Time to review and re dedicate....

Life in review on this somewhat sunshiny Sunday afternoon. Life continues to be topsy turvy wavy splishy splashy. 27 looms disgustingly close and there are days when I look at where I am and I feel like crying. Sometimes in joy sometimes in frustration. Learning to adapt to my new family and what it means to be the parent of 3 children instead of 1. This constant being sick has not helped, I feel helpless. Between dealing with ex wives/husbands (ok not ex's still need those damn divorces, curses they are so expensive), attitudes and growing pains, financial woes, health issues, and this damn economic depression, it leaves one feeling like running away. I just need something and I can't name it or describe it.

Family dynamics have changed considerably both in my own and in my new. I have so many desires and wants and sometimes I feel I have to reconcile the fact that it doesn't fit into my new reality. I feel as if there is a cloud hovering above my head, perhaps thats the cold medicine in my system and continously aching chest, so I know my health needs to tackled and hard. And ABOVE all else, my partner's health and if I can motivate and carry through with my own regimen, then nagging him into it again will be less like nagging, I suppose.

I keep juggling the notion of "small changes" vs "radical makeover" and perhaps it will do me good both physically and mentally to stick to something so rigorous. Perhaps it will empower me to examine more whats going on with me and find some peace.

Tomorrow will be juices and smoothies only.

Cucumber juice...

Feeling better today, easily fatigued though. Eating today has been pretty good, smoothie for breakfast, cucumber apple juice for snack. Did have left over lasagna for lunch with the kids but then opted for frozen raspberries for snack (ok and 3 of Oliver's potstickers) and a can of fruit with no sugar added. Small steps, I tell ya, small steps.

Food for thought

And the sickness continues, I feel like a broken record. But this morning I made a smoothie and that always seems to help. It consisted of: Banana, frozen raspberries, spinach, a low carb protein shake, raw cacao, and water. Super filling.


I had a cooked lunch but I could not taste much of it. Chatting with Ansley today, I felt inspired to not have a cooked dinner and I'm munching on more frozen raspberries. I think I'll have carrot juice later. It just feels so right, and I know my goal is to be as close to possible to 100% raw but I also have to allow for flexibility.

So Ansley says she will be joining me on this excursion. Yippee.

And again...

I have never been this sick so consecutively as I have been the last 2 months. One sickness after another. Currently I am battling a sore throat with body aches that came out of nowhere (fingers crossed its not strep) while not more than 4 days prior I had a sudden onset of stomach cramps and unpleasantness that lasted with me not being able to eat anything for a couple days. Now I've read in the gazillion hours I have dedicated to reading raw blogs, articles and forums that raw is supposed to be cheap but really a family of 5 has a hard time paying for the pounds and pounds of raw yummies that one would need to keep at 100percent raw. Not to mention and I know I have ranted on this before the battles of one's mindset. Kids are bombarded (ok and adults) junk/fast food ads and when one is forced to scour Grocery Outlet for enough food to keep the small army of ravenous children at bay, those 3 for $1dollar boxes of macaroni&cheese wins over the bag of apples that quite really will rot in 1 day. I highly suggest NOT ever purchasing produce from Grocery Outlet.

As I reread this rant, another voice in my head clamors for attention. Its our duty as parents to raise our children healthy and happy and its hard for me to reconcile that the way I believe/feel we should be eating is not how we are currently eating because we can not afford it. Yet how can I justify not being able to afford "our health"?

Btw, why is it cheaper for a loaf of white bread than say a pound of celery? In the long run the celery will fill you more (with vitamins) but I can make like 8-10 pbj sandwiches. Grrr frustrates the heck out of me.

Now let's review mood. Oh my dear goodness, food is a huge proponent of where your brain is at. I find the more I struggle with the highcost of good for you food and the more bad for me food I ingest, my (and Oliver's) mindset has consequently suffered. Which serves to depress me even further as he is someone who really needs to not eat "bad" food. And since this is my ranting blog, I would like to add that Type 1 diabetes is evil and should be destroyed.

Ok so moving on, mood goes to heck, health goes to heck, what is the fix? I worry that I'm just not that good at budgeting and perhaps eating raw is doable but I'm just messing it up. I want so many things for my family. And their health and happiness is top priority.

It is at times like these that I feel helpless and crave stupid comfort food even though I KNOW they just contribute to a downward spiral. It's a horrible addiction because despite knowing the adverse consequences I still crave it and would eat it if it were around.

So to wrap this up, I'm struggling as it seems I have been since last year with staying on track. But I shall persevere and keep looking for options and opportunities to find balance and happiness.

Back to Raw

I realized most things I start, I don't finish.

I get motivated and inspired and basically crap out due to life issues or just plain lack of steam.

But....

after 4 months of being off/on Raw I want to continue this struggle, yes I say struggle because I'm yo-yoing back and forth.

Today I take a stand. 3 days before lovely Thanksgiving, I give it a go AGAIN. I need to let go of some of my procrastinational tendencies and focus on my end goal. My health. Now I would love to continue to drag Oliver through this but I think I'm making him nuts with my fanaticism. So perhaps the key to my success is to continue to chronicle this excursion to healthy enlightenment.

So I'm off to make a smoothie (which I really do appreciate and love) and then to get my son from preschool and then to keep plugging on.

Day 16: WOW

So I am struggling with emotional neediness of bad food. My body now recognizes that there is no nutrition in it and pays quite painfully for ingesting it. To date, I have indulged a total of 4 times in 16 days. Which in my book is quite a turn around. And I truly feel, I'll be able to reduce the amount of times I splurge.

I wake up in the morning CRAVING my green smoothie, which I am drinking now.

spinach, flax oil, aloe vera juice, broccoli sprouts, frozen banana, cherries, and strawberries.

Oh green yumminess, how it energizes me. I also had a tablespoon of bee pollen and some probiotics.

Thats it for now!

Out of Order: Day 8

There was a break in my posting.. this is day 8 from my RawFu site, which is an awesome way to find support for this new lifestyle
Visit Raw Fu



I have to say this new way of eating ( or really old depending on how you look at it) has been eye opening and exhilarating. We've run into a small pickle as we're trying to feed a family of 5 and payday is days away but we're holding strong. The kids are only quasi raw as they are eating the last of the "cooked" food. I'm very inspired by the rawfoodfamily (http://www.therawfoodfamily.com/home.php) and would love for my 4 year old to reach this level but I also have to deal with other people!

My parents are HORRIBLE junk food addicts and my son's father just the other day was telling me 'don't brainwash my son into yelling at me for making macaroni and cheese". How can I not want to tell everyone. ''DON'T FEED MY SON CRAP!!!" I haven't felt this kind of well, passion for something in a while, that makes me want to just shout out to everyone that I know how to make them feel better.

I currently work as a mental health counselor in an inpatient psychiatric setting and I watch the slop they are forced to eat, then swallow it down with a pharmaceutical cocktail. It kinda makes me feel crazy. And just how do you try to explain to someone living on a very small stipend to go eat organic raw food, when what they really can afford, is a month's worth of top ramen.

That's it for now. I needed to rant.

Day 14: Limbo

I started this health movement, all fired up about life, so ready and motivated. Then personal things came up and its hard not to revert back to crap. But then I realized I really don't want to go back to eating cooked food, I'll make allowances. For instance, my happy cooked food list includes: crab legs and popcorn.

Jacob pulled his sleeve up and said "Look at my muscles mom!!" as he munched on spinach. Beautiful.

I made the most vibrant juice today: Bok choy, wheatgrass, carrots, celery, cucumber, green apple and a few strawberries to sweeten the deal.

Breakfast smoothie: Frozen bananas, coconut milk, cherries, spinach, aloe vera juice and flax oil.

I'm really thinking about juice feasting to help my body rid itself of nasties but it is not a good time, there is too much in the air such as trying to find other work and moving and and and and...

That's it for now.

Day 12 Foreboding...

Ok as a fair warning, I am going to vent in this and admit that I have sunken to turning to a meal of cooked food for comfort.


Alright, as I mentioned yesterday, those "rumors" may actually turn out to be true (okay who am I kidding? I'm mostly likely going to be laid off). It feels as if the carpet has been swept out from under my feet, because finally, I have finally reached a point where I feel good about everything. I have a damn good job helping people with great benefits. What more could a single mom ask for? Not to rag on my son's father, but he has no way of providing insurance for Jakey and child support is very meager.

I have come so far, from working 2 jobs and struggling, I have been on foodstamps, I have accepted WIC, I have literally worked myself off all that. I did in home family therapy and worked as a waitress at a casino on the weekends and still couldn't make ends meet UNTIL I got this job. This beautiful beautiful job.

Jake is about to start preschool in Sept which is going to cost me a monthly tuition, I'm still in debt up to my eyeballs that I thought I was going to be able to start working on.

I'm very appreciative of the fact that my parents have clearly voiced that Jake and I can move in, no rent, we won't go hungry. I know I can draw unemployment. This displaces my boyfriend though. Uggh. My gut hurts.

On the health part of this, the juicer is fabulous. I feel fabulous but with the stress of all these thoughts, that I have tried to run out of my system (taking kids to park, played a bit of tag), I wanted to "dose" myself. I turned to food for comfort. We all went to Taco Time for dinner. The kids ate spinach before going as a bargain for getting such crap. I had the mexi platter. And it tasted good at first, and I really didn't feel guilt about eating it as much as impending doom. My stomach is totally rejecting it and is painfully cramping. And bring on the BLOAT!

No, I have learned a valuable lesson... no matter the stress, food is SOOOOOOOOO not the answer. So I'm going to forgive myself the pessimissm I allowed myself to indulge in and get my fanny in gear and HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST.

Day 11 Upset

So there is a rumor (ok strong rumor) that there may be laying off about to start at work. I can't even rant and rave about the horrible downsizes and cuts that are about to happen at work and the severe and HORRIBLE consequences it will have on our community and individuals.

Ok, I'm not gonna rant on that, BUT....... that leaves me anxious and worried about how to provide for my family.

All I could think about last night when I got home from work was, why am I trying to be healthy? I'm depressed now, I want a damn cheeseburger. I did not cave in, by the way.

So I've decided to be proactive, in case the worst happens and I did not purchase tickets to the Raw Foods Festival which actually brought tears to my eyes because I was so excited about it but I figure, I still have the internet and can continue to research to my little heart's content.

I'm really struggling to remain positive. I made an AWESOME breakfast smoothie: frozen banana, spinach, coconut milk, blueberries, aloe vera juice, flax oil and bee pollen. ( I know bee pollen is not vegan but I love the term I've seen individuals use "Beegan")

On top of that, Jakey's daddy had him last night and brought him home bright and early with a breakfast that consisted of a bag of caramel corn rice cakes and a package of Hubba Bubba gum.
So instead of freaking out, which I really felt like doing, I artfully took the bag away and exchanged it for a bowl of vanilla yogurt with the bonus of being able to chew a piece of gum if he ate it all and brushed his teeth.

Even as I type this, I have a few errands to run, exercise to get in, and new budgeting to consider but I can't help but feel crawling onto the couch to wallow in my own misery that I am creating. But no!!!! I shall be stronger than that.

I'm going to play wii fit with Jacob (2 birds with one stone, exercise and quality time with mommy) and then get my newly energized butt out to the bank and then back home for revised budgeting and then go to work.

Ok. This blogging thing is quite therapeutic. :)

I'm still raw and loving it.